Who Am I?

Well I have been on the PND medication for just over two weeks and I had a check up with my Doctor on Monday.  In general I think I feel a bit better.  Well I definitely have cried less than usual over the past few days.  I still feel anxious and sick, but I think that is to do with my situation (external factors, which hopefully I will be able to blog about soon).  I am still trying to make stock for my new venture, but failing as I never have Baby free time and when she is in bed, I don’t seem to get that much done.  This is a cause of stress for me, as I am used to being super proactive and getting lots done (in my working life), so I think that’s why it affects me so much.

I have self referred for talking therapy, as my GP suggested.  I am not sure this is for me and was less sure when I found out it is over the phone?!  How can you create a rapport and confide in someone over the phone?  This seems very odd to me.

I do feel really flat.  Before I went on the medication I seemed to be all over the place emotionally, but at least I was feeling something.  The last few days with Baby have been really hard, and today especially, I am staring at the clock wishing it to be time for Mr Hubby to come home.  Baby is just shouting for most of the day,  I think it must be more teeth.  If she is not shouting (constantly and at the top of her voice), then she is probably crying.  All in all it is quite stressful.  I end up holding her most of the day, as the noise is less if I do and so I can’t do anything.  I can’t even watch TV as I can’t hear it over her screaming/shouting.  The only despite is when she eventually naps, but then she sleeps on me, so I can’t use this time to do anything useful or have a break.

Today I feel really lonely and lost.  I remain eternally grateful for all I have, but I can’t shake the loneliness I feel.

I don’t feel there is any of ‘me’ left.  I know I don’t matter anymore and Baby is all that matters, but I literally don’t do anything that is not connected to being a mum.  I acknowledge that that is my life now, this is what I chose and I wouldn’t change anything, but I have lost all of me, of who I was before I became a mum.



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