O.K Bring Me The Drugs

So Monday wasn’t too bad a day.  I had coffee with friends in the morning and although I didn’t always feel part of it, I didn’t cry, which I thought was good.  The afternoon at home wasn’t unbearable, although it is a bit of a blur.  I started to think that maybe I can sort this out my myself.  How wrong was I.

Yesterday Baby woke at 5am (which is better than 4.15 or 3.15am) and refused to go back to sleep.  So in the end I gave up and our day started.  She did have a short nap on me, but the dog barked and woke her up prematurely.  So she was overtired and screaming.  She took great pleasure in hitting me in the face and pulling my hair.  I know she is not aware of her actions, but it hurts and she just laughs.  I had enough and put her down.  She went mental, in 2 minutes she was crying so much she was coughing and choking.  So by 11am I had cried a few times already.  The stress of everything else going on at the moment is not helping either.  I genuinely think that all my additional issues are making things much worse.  On the way to visit a friend I was crying so much I could barely see the road.  Our day together started at 5am and finished at 7.30pm, when I finally put her down.  I had to hold her for most of the day and was exhausted from crying.

I was scared that drugs weren’t right for me.  I thought that surely I will be able to sort this out without intervention.  I am a strong person.  But the situations I am in are breaking me.  If I have a good day, I need to remember that the next day will probably kick my arse.  To this end I have come to realise that it is the chemicals in my body that are making me feel like this.  I didn’t choose this, but maybe I do need help, maybe the drugs will smooth out this chemical imbalance.  I am terrified of taking the first pill, I see it as a failure.  I have failed as a mum.  I should be able to cope with everything that’s going on, as well as taking care of Baby, but i can’t.  I need to try and resolve these additional issues, as they are causing me the most stress,  but my fight is dwindling.

I hope Baby doesn’t read this in years to come and feel disappointed in me.

 Baby

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9 thoughts on “O.K Bring Me The Drugs

  1. Not failing to accept help on any form. Your daughter will be proud of you for realising this. Hope things improve for you and medication helps. Please try not to beat yourself up about it. Xx

  2. Please don’t feel you are a failure, take the medication and look forward to the future! Sometimes you have to realise that you just can’t do it all ! Xx

  3. honey you are not a failure. pnd is an awful condition. medication is one thing that can help. if possible you could see if there is any form of therapy near you. after 2 years of pnd I’m starting private therapy tomorrow.
    we have to believe that the future will be better. once baby gains some independence it’ll be easier x

  4. Thanks for your kind words. Hopefully when my business is up and running and my other issues are sorted out, then I will have more space in my head and will be able to focus on normal life and being a mummy. xx

  5. My goodness. A failure? Absolutely not!
    PND and coping with a demanding baby (all babies are demanding to a degree,) and having to get your business up and running, is not going to make for a smooth and easy life. You are coping as best you can, probably more so than you think you are.
    Sending you hugs
    Jo x

  6. Hi, I just started following your blog (and twitter) and this is the first post I read. You are NOT a failure! Please don’t ever think that! I don’t know your situation and I don’t know you personally, but I do know you are not a failure! It is okay to have a little medical help. I used to take antidepressants for four years before I had my 3rd baby. My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety (don’t really like saying disorder). It was hard, but I got through it with therapy and the antidepressants. Luckily, I’m not taking them now, but if I had to go back and do it all over again, I would because it helped me get strong and take care of my children. And I know it helped my children have a strong mother. Your daughter WILL BE proud of you for being strong and taking good care of yourself!! Taking care of yourself whether it’s with or without meds IS being strong! Be strong and keep the faith!! Best wishes!! x

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