Tears For Fears

Well I’m no further forward.  I find that I am losing confidence in myself on tasks/work I know how to do well.  As my mind is full, focusing is hard and so doing my normal work is proving challenging.  I hate moaning, but it wouldn’t be truthful after my last post to pretend all is well.  I have to be truthful.  I cried again yesterday doing my ‘work’, which is my forte.  I even made Mr Hubby check it and he didn’t really know what was going on, but he helped.

So I am off to the Doctor’s tomorrow.  This is not me.  I am a capable, grounded type of person, who usually handles a lot of stress (in my work) really well, who can juggle so many balls and never drop any.  So it scares me to feel so inadequate and out of control.  I’m not sure how to start the conversation with the Doctor, it seems really hard to say how I feel face to face.

Baby continues to be my light.  She can be quite grumpy (especially in the afternoons), as I think her teeth are still bothering her.  We went to a coffee group today and she decided she could roll back over (from front to back).  I have thought that she has done this over the past couple of days, but I didn’t actually see her.  But today she was definitely off.  I cried three times during a 2 hour meet up, not very ‘normal’.

I have written this post in three different chunks today.  It is now almost 3pm.  Baby was very unsettled in her playpen, so I got her out and fed her.  She was due a nap and will usually just go to sleep, but today 2 hours later I am still trying to get her to go to sleep.  I have just had to put her down, as she was yanking my hair and slapping me in the face and laughing.  I ended up shouting at her (not very loud.  She didn’t seem at all bothered, as tried to carry on doing it).  So I am crying again, I feel bad for raising my voice, fed up of being pulled and slapped.  Exhausted from holding her for most of the day.  I know Baby is not machiavellian, she doesn’t know what she is doing.  I tried to call Mr Hubby, but he is in a meeting.  I can’t focus on anything as she is grizzling in her playpen and screeching.  I can’t just leave her to it and get on with things, as my brain is not clear enough, so I sit here blogging and crying.

I have started to take painkillers again on a daily basis.  My back pain is getting back to its old levels again (I have 3 prolapsed discs and arthritis) and now I have the added issue of the SPD.  I haven’t got anything very effective to take, apart from Morphine and was avoiding taking that as it makes me a bit out of it.  I don’t think that is good when I am looking after Baby.  But last night I felt myself longing for it, to ease the pain, but also if I am honest to take the edge off a bit.  I know what a great mum I am.  It’s not all Baby, I’d say such a small percentage is to do with her and the normal mummy stresses.  It’s all the other stuff going on at the moment (which I can’t really blog about) and my brain, which seems to be refusing to function properly.  I guess I am not used to not being able to fix stuff.

Ava Pictures


2 thoughts on “Tears For Fears

  1. sO much of this makes sense to me. I too was wanting to fix everything and for everything to be perfect. I went for help when Baby A was 3 months old and I got referred for assessment. They think I have something called Generalised Anxiety Disorder, which alot of people just exist with, but a significant life event, like having a baby, can trigger it all off. I have been having CBT which has been amazing. I still get some low days and have been left feeling a bit flat now the stress and anxiety has eased. You are not alone in the way you are feeling x

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