I am sitting here crying as I type. I seem to cry a lot at the moment. I have no right to cry, I have everything I’ve ever wanted. I know many people who would give their souls to be in my position. Not because we are rich, or live the high life (we aren’t and don’t), but because I have a beautiful healthy daughter. I got my happy ending.
So the tears that flow, shouldn’t. But I can’t stop them. I feel like my insides are shaking all the time. I am trying to be the best mum, but I’m not. I don’t shout or neglect, but I am not always truly present. If I could just be ‘mum’ that would be o.k, maybe I could cope with that, I would have one focus for my attention. But I have so much other stuff that is demanding my attention at the moment. I am in a situation that I don’t know how to handle. It is very stressful. I am also trying to set up a new business, as we may soon need the money. I have so many questions regarding the business and things to work through. Maybe I should just give up before I start. What if I invest in this idea (on a credit card) and no-one buys the stuff?. But we will need money. My head is so full, I can’t bear it. I long for peace and quiet.
Everything is building up inside me and now the smallest of things seems to set me off. We have dogs, so have never lived in a super clean home, but today it had me in tears. I try to clean in between Baby crying, look round and the dogs have made a mess again. It doesn’t seem like a big deal, but I feel like it is all closing in on me and I want to scream. I have times when I feel like I am being suffocated. When I wake in the night I find it almost impossible to go back to sleep, as my brain is on overdrive.
The times when Baby can play on her own are limited and so I haven’t got the time to do anything towards the business, which is super stressful. The little time I get I spend trying to figure out what to do and that is not productive, so I waste time and then I feel worse. It’s like a cycle I can’t break. I also feel guilt if I am physically not with Baby, playing with her and holding her. I feel like I am drowning in stress at times. The urge to just stay in everyday is almost overwhelming, but Baby needs to go out and have fun.
I look at Baby and I know she, and Mr Hubby, are all that matters, but it doesn’t seem to stop the overwhelming anxiety I feel. I feel like I am on the edge of my nerves the entire time, which is exhausting.
I have made a Doctors appointment for Friday. I am not sure what good it will do. I think I have to sort out the cause of my stress, but Mr Hubby suggested I go. I don’t seem to be able to move forward with anything.